San Francisco Parents Fear Son Will Be Discriminated Against For Being Mainstream

SAN FRANCISCO, CA – Emphasizing concern for their son, San Francisco parents Debbie and Mark Miller fear their child might face discrimination for his ordinary, run-of-the-mill qualities.

“As new parents in such a hip area, we can’t help but be scared for our son who still uses Facebook,” Debbie said, adding that he also listens to FM radio.

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“Any San Franciscan wearing a naturally aged Buffalo Exchange jean jacket looking at Tyler differently based on the Billabong T-shirt he wears is what we fear the most. We worry he’ll be ostracized for not owning Doc Martins.”

The Millers also stated that despite offering to take him to a hole-in-the-wall barber shop on Geary for an edgy, bleached faux hawk, Tyler much preferred a standard trim at Sports Clips.

“Most of the kids around here are into discussing feminist film theory at vegan coffee shops and going to Yoga to the People,” Debbie said, holding back tears. “But our Tyler would much rather watch The Office or play Call of Duty.”

Mark believes his lack of eccentricities stems from his inability to read between the lines, which has translated to not being “woke” in the slightest.

“All of this leads us to believe that Tyler might be straight. Of course, we love him unconditionally, but as his parents we’re concerned with how not being pansexual might impact his life in the city.”

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Mother Praises ‘OfferUp’ App For Selling Couch, Table, Son

IRVINE – Expressing  joy with making extra cash off her belongings, mother Linda Meriwether credited the used item selling app ‘OfferUp’ for selling her couch, table, and son.

“OfferUp was exactly what I was looking for,” Meriwether said. “Nobody ever sits on the couch, the table’s not my style, and my son really isn’t the kind I wanted.”

Meriwether said she easily sold her couch and table. However, since the orphanage doesn’t take returns, selling her son Ethan was a challenge.

“I originally listed him for $50, but nobody would bite. Since I had a low view count on my Ethan item, I used the ‘bump’ feature to place him at the top of the feed. Within minutes, some guy in the Philippines made an offer for $30.”

“To deliver Ethan to the buyer, I used OfferUp’s handy new shipping option. All I had to do was cover him in bubble wrap, place him in a shipping box, and duck tape it shut. Four days later, it arrived by airdrop in Mandaluyong!”

Meriwether says she learned that quality is the number one factor, stating, “Luckily, the couch and table were still in great shape. Unfortunately, since Ethan has red hair, I had to settle for a lower price.”

Meriwether advises those thinking about trying OfferUp to take a long, hard look at your belongings/family members and decide which items you can do without.